#my grandma was orphaned at 5 and stayed only a few years with her evil aunt and uncle (they took everything her parents left her)

[crowned-peony]

Tell me of a sentimental item(s) you have

I wanna listen to the story about who gave it to you or how you got it

Is it with you every day? Is it somewhere safe?

[tateonnas-blog]

Life with Dad

For Mental Health Week I thought it was only fitting to open up about my own life. I know I’m not the only person in this situation, but it’s not something that people talk about openly very often unless it’s to a best friend or someone you feel you can vent to without them giving you the sad puppy face or thinking you’re just a product of your environment. As a child and as an adult I always get the uneasy feeling that when people find out about my parents, they automatically think I might be a little out there, or I get the response, “Well I’m surprised you turned out this well”, or “Are you scared to have children?”, “Does that run in your family?” , “How violent is he?” I hate the stigma. I always say, ” I’m fine, they’re fine, we are all fine.” because after years of answering you realize its just more comfortable that way and who doesn’t prefer to stay in their comfort zone. Now anyone who knows me knows that that’s basically code for, “Please stop asking me questions.”  This is something very personal and something that I have never written about before, but its a massive part of me. Both of my parents are mentally ill.  It made for an interesting childhood and continues to keep me on my toes throughout adulthood to say the least.

Dad: I'm moving out

Me: Why

Dad: You hate me

Me: No I don't you are loved

Dad: Okay thank you I’ll stay

From early on the parent-child relationship was never standard. But then again, what is the standard for that type of thing? The thing about having a father like mine is that there’s a mandatory briefing to friends and family before they come over. A pre-explanation that even if he looks like he’s talking to you, Odds are there’s “someone else next to you” and if you respond, he can get upset. And that it’s okay to just hang out and not engage in conversation unless he directly addresses you. Sometimes It’s phone calls from the neighbors that my father is yelling to loud in the front yard while I’m at work, It can be phone calls from an Officer who explains that they’ve received a threatening letter directed to the Police Station. And it’s buying him new clothes for him to then add his own flair by cutting them up in his own, might I add  (Very fashionable) way. I’ve seen him do some very creative things with a pair of jeans. And sometimes, It’s coming home and seeing him dancing in the front yard with his shirt off just laughing with his unseen company. Or giving a speech to his very own audience in the driveway. It’s hearing the front door open and close 5-6 times within the span of 10 minutes. Especially when he’s got a lot to say during his exits. It’s cleaning his room because he thought someone broke in and made a mess. It’s hugging him when he finally does let his guard down for a split second. It means really appreciating the happy moments with him, the moments of clarity. It means to do what I can to make him feel loved and safe at home.

Dad: Can I borrow ten dollars for cigarettes?

Me: Yes here ( hands over twenty dollars)

Dad: Ooohhh that's so nice, your so sweet. You remind me of my daughter

My father is my heart, and I will fight for him to the end; he can be kind and gentle, he can be hilarious and silly and there are times when he will dance around with me singing at the top of our lungs. He’s also incredibly smart with a college degree in Agriculture. Unfortunately,  He was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic before I was born. It’s not a one size fits all disability. There are different behaviors and stages. The effects can be progressive and It’s a darkness that attacks each person differently. It stems from my father’s side and they say it skips a generation, but I never really knew my great-grandparents or any great aunts or uncles, I only have stories from my Grandma. “Mental illness was not something that was openly discussed in their time”, is what my grandmother told me. Somehow I understood, so I didn’t ask many questions. Schizophrenia had started to take hold of my father, as far as I know, before I was born. After my parents were married it progressed as schizophrenia does. He’d do random things like painting the apartment they lived in different colors and he would forget he was cooking or running water. He and my mother would argue a lot, but she could never understand what he was talking about because he was hallucinating and she, fighting her own demons, couldn’t handle it. It got really scary at one point. He attempted suicide by cutting the sides of his throat and wrists in the bathtub of his apartment. Thankfully my grandmother found him before it was too late. Once my grandparents saw how rapidly his illness was progressing, They made sure he got the help needed. With the right medication and amazing support system, He became stable and lived a good life with my grandparents.

Me: Good Morning

Dad: I hate you, go away.

Me: Love you

Dad: Love you too

Over the years, I can see him fading more and more into his alternate reality. It reminds me of the TV Show Flash. They have Earth one, two and three. Each one is a different version of everyone you know. So everyone and everything looks the same but personalities are all different. In each world, the events that take place are different, darker, and eviler. I feel like I’ve always been on Earth one and He fluctuates between Earth two and three. In each version of Earth, I being his daughter, am a different person. So when he does meet me back on Earth one he is usually still upset about what I did on earth two and three. He will look at me and say, “You look like her, but I know it’s not you. Why did you attack me at war? Why did you burn my house down? Why did you kill my family? You’re not my daughter! SHE’S DEAD!”. I’m not going to lie, it does hurt my feelings emotionally. But logically I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me, and he’s upset because the other version of me killed the actual me, so he is mourning me. How can I be upset at that? It’s showing that he does love me. He just doesn’t know I am right here in front of him.  I can’t argue with him and say no that didn’t happen. Because to him, that’s his reality. No matter what I say he won’t budge, and I have to be considerate and know his feelings are valid. So I take a step back and say, “it’s going to be okay”. Or sometimes say nothing and walk away. Unfortunately, dealing with mental illness doesn’t come with an instruction manual, so I find ways to avoid confrontation and try to keep him as mellow as possible.  I feel bad. He’s trapped in this scary, sad, and violent alternate Earth, but I have no way of getting there to rescue him. I do what I can to help alleviate the stress. Making sure he always has the tools needed for drawing and painting. Some of the best times We’ve had have been our trips to Barnes and Noble to find his Favorite CD’s so that he can rush home and rock to his favorite Jams on his old school CD Player and smoke his tobacco pipe. It gives me just that little bit of peace seeing him find Joy in something and gives me a feeling that he’s going to be alright. I always try to remember back to a moment of clarity when he actually held a conversation. He looked me dead in the eye and said, ‘They are there, you just can’t see them”. I truly believed him and took it to heart. Who are we to judge and tell him what he sees isn’t real?

Me: Dad whens your birthday?

Dad: June. I’m one hundred and eighty-four years old.

Me: Well you look damn good!

Dad: I work out

Childhood with my father consisted of the two of us and his made up stories. Stories of the war and the many professions he has held. But as a child, I never knew that he wasn’t in the war and he wasn’t a policeman or a firefighter. I knew the stories were our bonding time. As time went by our bonding time became smoking. He always smoked cigarettes. To him having me smoke with him couldn’t make him happier. Whenever he was feeling like talking to me, he would bring his cigarettes and say, “Would you like to smoke with me?” I knew that was going to be the very few precious minutes of actually having the closest thing to a father-daughter conversation that I was going to get. I started smoking around fourteen, but it didn’t last long. I hated the taste and it just wasn’t for me. So after a few times, I would pretend to smoke just to hang out with him. He loved to cook for me. Now when I say cook, it means to make a bologna and potato chip sandwich with maple syrup and whip cream. It was always so thoughtful, and he put time and energy into making me, his daughter, a nice meal. So I would try to eat it but usually couldn’t get much of it down. And as much as it pains me to say, my cooking skills are a direct inheritance from him. His Specialty, however, the thing he would always make me as a kid that I loved, was Cinnamon Toast! He would get two pieces of bread, butter them, add cinnamon and sugar and then put it in the oven so it would all melt together and then give it to me with a big glass of milk. I was in heaven, and my daddy was awesome.

Me: Dad

Dad: Your an orphan I’m not your Dad

Me: okay

Dad: You were dropped off at my house, I don’t know you

I remember as a child having many conversations with him about death. He would always say when people die they become ghosts and then they get stuck. Or he would say all the people are being killed by shotguns or in the war everyone was cut to pieces. As a teenager with an impressionable mind, I would dwell on the advice of my father and continuously think about dying in that way and becoming a ghost. I always thought there were monsters under my bed and ghosts chasing me around at night. But I did feel safe with him; he was very gentle and kind. That’s the thing with paranoid schizophrenia, he might seem like he is aggressive or lashing out but in reality, he is just scared and trying to protect himself and his family. With my dad, his bark is always worse than his bite. He would say some scary stuff sometimes about the war and fighting. But, if he saw you say “No” loudly to our dog or cat, he would almost cry and go pet them and talk to them until they felt better. He never raised his voice at me growing up. He always paid child support and made sure to give me an allowance. Keep in mind this was from his disability check so what little he had he always shared with me and the rest of his family. He loved to get me little gifts which were always so thoughtful.

Me: Hi Dad

Dad: Who are you?

Me: Your daughter

Dad: She’s dead, they murdered her

All his paintings were always so calm and beautiful they would be of streams and the ocean and people relaxing. He would write letters to the governor telling them how to create world peace and to build cost-efficient homes and grow gardens to feed the homeless. There was always such a  fine line between happy and sad with him. My heart would break for him when he would cry and I would just hug him and tell him he’s loved. I was too young to understand what was happening but I knew he just needed someone to talk to. He has never really had any friends since I was born. He always just hung out with the family mainly my grandparents when I was growing up. They would go gamble penny slots and take him to eat and he would be happy, briefly, but still happy.

Dad: Hi, you’re a nice girl

Me: Thanks

Dad: Thanks for letting me live here, my family is all dead

Me: Your okay, everything is ok

Dad: It hurts so bad…

As the years go by, the days get a little bumpier, the hallucinations get a little stronger, and the mood swings get a little quicker. But there are still moments of happiness, laughter and the light still periodically will sparkle in his eye. His trips to Earth two and three become more frequent but we take a deep breathe say a prayer and wait for the storm to pass. LIfe is finding the joy in every moment that you can, loving one another without conditions and loving this journey called life. If you know someone who struggles with mental illness take the time to send them a text or call remind them how much they matter and that they are loved. It really is the little things in life that matter most.

[faithandfairies]

Comparison between OUAT and The Nanny Expanded

The first thing I noticed on The Nanny that reminded me of OUAT was Mr. Sheffield referring to himself as “the ogre that won’t send his daughter to the ball” when he doesn’t want Maggie dating because he doesn’t want her kissing boys. He then continues to refer to himself as an ogre any time he feels his children, particularly Maggie, won’t like his actions/decisions regarding them.

I’ve never heard this expression used anywhere ever. Until this show. So it immediately caught my attention. 

OUAT is full of ogres that want to hurt people. The other thing OUAT is full of, I believe, is symbolism. “It’s a metaphor” is probably a good description of the show.

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As for ogres, Emma even mentions that she might have dated some. 

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Aside from that, both Emma and Henry are confronted with an ogre that wants to kill them on separate occasions. It’s one of the few times Emma doesn’t know how to fight her opponent let alone defeat it and is saved by Snow shooting an arrow in its eye. 

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Emma facing an ogre. There is something very unsettling about this image

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Henry facing an ogre.

I kind of feel like Emma’s confrontation with the ogre parallels Emma facing the snow monster and being saved from it by Regina after it knocks her out. 

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Regina standing up to the snow monster and killing it as Emma is passed out in the dirt and Marian-Zelena looks on

There are instances where Emma and Regina defeat ogre-like creatures together like the Chernabog and the armored snow monster that the Snow Queen sics on them. But I think in most other instances Rumple is the only one who can defeat the actual ogres. He ends up saving Henry when he is faced with one and he also ends the ogre war by killing all of them simply by killing one.There is also the sympathetic ogre story line, where Belle saves an ogre she thinks means no harm and turns against anyone that wants to kill it.

2.There was Mr. Sheffield and Fran slowly falling in love with each other and Niles, the butler, trying to use kitchen-related analogies to make Fran and Mr. Sheffield see that they were in love or at the very least attracted to each other. One in particular stood out. When he compares Fran to the last apple in the basket that he only realized he wanted when Mr. Sheffield sunk his teeth into it. This after Mr. Sheffield wonders why it bothers him that Fran is dating other people. Analogies like this, using apples, have been made on OUAT as well.

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3.Mr. Sheffield being jealous over Fran dating other people when he doesn’t want to move their relationship along. And when Fran confronts him about it he covers it up by saying he’s concerned for the children. Even Niles calls him on it at a later time. On OUAT any time Emma and Regina realize they’re showing care or concern for each other or are downright jealous in the beginning and it feels out of character to them, they say it’s because they’re worried about Henry or doing it for Henry.

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Regina’s jealousy Exhibit A. She ends up blaming it on worrying about Henry. Oh, and this little moment also happens right after Regina’s been passionately talking about the possibility of her and Emma making magic together and Emma flat out rejects her plan in favor of Hook’s. Can’t forget that.

4.The gay episode, Mommy and Mai, on The Nanny.

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Val and Fran on The Nanny. Oh, look, it’s a blonde and a brunette. What do you know. To be fair I don’t think they had any sexual chemistry. But there were certainly a lot of gay references/ hints regardless. 

-In the gay episode we find out Fran and her best friend, Val, adopted a Cambodian baby girl together when they were in High School. Couples’ fights and actual couples’ therapy ensues when the now teenaged girl comes to visit. Fran ends up distraught over her break-up with Val as a result and when she discusses it with her mother her mother assumes that Fran is talking about Mr. Sheffield. There is a LOT of sexual tension between Emma and Regina on OUAT unlike between Val and Fran. And there is also a lot more pointing to a possible past and potential future romantic relationship between the two. Not to mention that they also share a son, that is biologically Emma’s but was adopted by Regina. They also end up fighting a lot over their son.

-On The Nanny there is also Fran’s fear that Mr. Sheffield may be sleeping with her daughter, who is staying at the mansion for a while at that point. She talks about how it couldn’t be since Mr. Sheffield would practically be the girl’s foster father to her mother role. There are a lot of references on OUAT that point to a father figure abusing the trust a young girl put in him.

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She went to him for help. And yet she’s afraid of him. Throughout the show there’s the development: from genuine fear of what he has in store for her...

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to annoyance at his antics. Notice also how she goes from being the picture of pure innocence when she first meets him to eventually being the picture of pure sexiness, seduction and rage. Which she blames on him. On more than one occasion. And he actually takes credit for. On more than one occasion. He literally calls her his version of Frankenstein’s monster and in the Wish!Realm he coaches her back into dressing and acting like the Evil Queen in the span of a few minutes when he believes she’s lost her touch.

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Regina tied up by Rumple in her vault to keep her from helping Emma/saving Emma from him. To get her to help him to hurt Emma instead.

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This happens right around the time Regina is once again trying to save Emma and failing at it because she doesn’t believe in herself and Emma doesn’t believe in her and she simply doesn’t know how to help Emma. Literally the only one who has told her they don’t believe in her at this point is Emma. 

When teaching Emma magic Regina even tells her that Rumple was a bully. We even see Rumple reduce Regina to tears on the show whilst teaching her.

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Decades have past and yet there still seems to be a hint of fear there. And sometimes hate and anger. Another thing I noticed is that The Evil Queen is known for her drag queen make-up, including more often than not lipstick the color of blood. And yet, here, one of the few intimate moments that she looks afraid of Rumple as the Queen, where she’s once again asking him for help, her lipstick is the lightest shade of pink I’ve ever seen on her. It’s almost like a mirror of their first meeting. And I’m not even going to talk about that choker.

-Grandma Yetta keeps calling the butler, Niles, “Neal” in the gay episode on The Nanny, because she’s senile and forgets names. On OUAT Neal is actually the name of the father of Emma and Regina’s son. 

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Neal dying in Emma’s arms as Rumple/Mr. Gold hovers over them. Not so surprisingly we don’t actually know Rumple’s curse first name. Not even Belle, his wife, used it. Ever. She tended to call him by his fairy tale name, Rumple.

Makes me think of how Fran called Maxwell Sheffield Mr. Sheffield for most of the show because it was inappropriate to call him by his first name given their original relationship. When she pretends to be married to him in front of family yet still calls him Mr. Sheffield while doing so even her family calls her on it, commenting “You call your husband Mr. Sheffield?” In fact, the switch to first name basis is a big deal on The Nanny. And at first both Fran and Mr. Sheffield get a perverse sort of satisfaction from it. As if they’re breaking the rules. And even after they’re married they still end up referring to each other as Ms. Fine and Mr. Sheffield when they forget themselves.

But to continue, Neal is also the name of Snow’s baby boy.

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Baby Neal

This also makes me think of how Fran once described Niles as her and Mr. Sheffield’s love child before they ever got together in earnest. The love child that gets to watch his parents fall in love. Niles also once says how it’s always the butler who suffers, I think after one of Fran and Mr. Sheffield’s fights. He’s also the one who suffers most obviously/instantaneously-becomes emotional or excited depending-any time Fran and Mr. Sheffield “split up” or reach a new milestone in their relationship. The first time Fran plans to leave because she’s been proposed to by Danny, her ex-boyfriend, Niles actually cries a good amount. He only cheers up when she makes plans with him to see him often. He also cries happy tears when he finds out that Fran thinks she’s pregnant. And Fran only figures it out when he cries over the tea he’s pouring her and Val, I believe.

Ha, I just realized that the guy Mr. Sheffield almost lost Fran to in earnest was called Danny. Which makes me think of Regina’s Daniel. And the actor who plays Niles is actually called Daniel. Coincidences.

5. Actually, Neal isn’t the only name that comes back on OUAT as that of an important/ recurring character. Mr. Sheffield’s eldest daughter on The Nanny is Maggie, which is short for Margaret. 

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Margaret, The Nanny

I also just remembered that when we meet Maggie she’s this shy, soft spoken, conservative 14-year old girl that pretty much looks like an orphan in her too big tan clothing, with skirts practically reaching to her ankles. It’s with Fran’s influence in her life that her style and self esteem actually improve. They even mention Grace, her little sister’s, improved sense of style due to Fran on the show.

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Mary Margaret, OUAT

Snow’s curse name on OUAT is Mary Margaret.  

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Fran, The Nanny

And considering that The Nanny is actually based off of The Sound of Music, that would make Fran Maria. Which if you think that OUAT used this show as inspiration that would mean somehow Mary Margaret is a combination of Fran and Maggie. When Fran once loses her memory her situation in the family I think it makes her ask whether she once sang on hills sporting a butch haircut.  There’s also Grace. Grace or Gracie is Mr. Sheffield’s youngest daughter. On OUAT Grace is the daughter of Jefferson, The Mad Hatter. A character that appears early on and one of the few child characters to actually recur.

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Grace and her father on OUAT

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Grace on The Nanny

6. Niles, otherwise known as Neal on The Nanny if you ask Yetta, is very invested in Fran and Mr. Sheffield’s future as a couple on The Nanny. He does everything in his power to help them get together romantically, from coaxing Mr. Sheffield into giving Fran her job as The Nanny back any time he fires her to straight up frustratedly clutching Mr. Sheffield’s coat and yelling in his face to get him to act on his feelings for Fran. He does it because he loves them and wants to see them happy but also because Fran becoming Mrs. Sheffield would only work in his favor. No one is as happy as he is when he finds out Fran thinks she’s pregnant. On OUAT Mr. Gold/Rumpelstiltskin, Neal’s father, is also very invested in Snow and Charming’s future (as a couple). Also because that is something that will work in his favor. He’ll get a child out of it, which is what he wants.

7.EDIT

I can’t believe I forgot about this, especially since I made a separate post about it, but The Nanny did an animated Christmas episode with a 28 year curse. Which had C.C., a weather deity, get grumpy for a few days every 28 years and cause a blizzard that kept Santa from delivering his presents. It was actually a metaphor for a menstrual cycle. 

C.C.’s mood also ended up being resolved by her finding true love in the Rain Man. 

The episode also involved Fran briefly taking on the role of a kind of Snow White surrounded by the seven elves, of which Niles was one. And featured an ice palace.

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